she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
