Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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