Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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