Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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