i need an iv and a liver transplant
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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