i just sent this text using only my big toe
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
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I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
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Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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