I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
