does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
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According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
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... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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