I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
