Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
