are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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