U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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