Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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