I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
