Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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