i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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