wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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