The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
