So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the condom got lost in my hair
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
