Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
