someone get that fucking seahorse.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she smelled like a LAN party
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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