i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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