we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I intend to get homeless drunk
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
