I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
