it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
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Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
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in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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