**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
MIDGETS
????
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
