every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
