I'm gonna have a badass scar
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
