Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
