Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
i think i just lost a toe
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
