I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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