I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
