I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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