News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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