im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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