you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
