Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
