i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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