He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
