people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
