Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
