Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
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the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol