a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
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so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
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I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.