My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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