Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
