Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
