elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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