I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Semen is not good for contacts.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is Oprah even human
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
