Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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