I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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