You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
