I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
