I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
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As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So much Jack, so little girl.
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Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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