You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
