Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Randomize
