she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
