Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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