I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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