I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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