and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
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I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
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New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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