Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
