Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
